Breaking up is fun to do...

THIS month is the most cruel when it comes to marriage. Once the tinsel is packed away for another year many couples come to the bleak conclusion that no amount of false, festive bonhomie or charades can save their relationship.

Divorce is no piece of cake Divorce is no piece of cake

After Christmas divorce rates soar with the start of January the time when more couples petition to separate than at any other.

With one of the highest divorce rates in the world, Britain sees 140,000 couples going their separate ways each year so it was perhaps only a matter of time before a service sprung up on the back of this brisk business in the family courts. Step forward letting go ceremonies, the latest trend for people keen to make a fresh start.

The services, run by non-denominational ministers from the organisation Rhythm of Life (which also offers marriage and baby blessing services), are designed to help people through that difficult time after the decree absolute rather than leaving them to retreat from each other battle-weary and bruised.

“Sadly divorce and separation are part of everyday life yet there is nothing really to help people move on with confidence,” says Rhythm of Life’s Reverend Estelle Williams.

“It is a very traumatic time and separation ceremonies can help people feel better. We are receiving more and more inquiries about letting go ceremonies.”

The service is bespoke with people choosing the words, location, music and even objects that may have been significant in the relationship. The estranged couple and their children can be present but ceremonies also take place with just one individual.

One of Estelle’s clients, who wishes to remain anonymous, found it difficult to deal with the end of her marriage and after her former husband moved abroad she decided to have a letting go ceremony.

“We worked on the issues that concerned her on a one-on-one basis and in a place that was significant to her,” says Estelle, who has held ceremonies by rivers and on beaches and performed a mock-ceremony at last year’s Starting Over Show, dubbed Britain’s first divorce show, in Brighton.

“This is not counselling but I think it helps draw a line under what can feel like a bereavement. She is now in a much better place to start over.”

It can take people two or three years after a divorce to even contemplate such a ceremony. As well as helping those who come to Rhythm of Life, Estelle, 54, from Hampton, south-west London, is planning her own letting go ceremony from her estranged husband Peter. They were married for 20 years and separated in 2008.

“We hope to have it this spring but if you had asked me 18 months ago whether I would be doing such a thing I would have said no,” says Estelle, who has a 17-year-old son by Peter and a 24-year-old stepson. “If it means we can move on by honouring what we had rather than trashing it then that has to be a good thing.”

Rhythm of Life’s inter-faith ministers, who have been practising for the past 18 months, charge up to £200 for the ceremonies depending on people’s means. Estelle is adamant that they are not cashing in on their client’s misery but are offering a genuine service to help people.

“The Western world builds up the marriage celebration but unfortunately when some people come to separate there is nothing to help them move on,” she says.

“We are not suggesting it is a great thing to get divorced or to separate but divorce can feel as traumatic as the death of a partner. Surely it’s good to be able to get a bit of help to come out of that?

“It can be very lonely going through a divorce and often your friends can often disappear into the woodwork as they do not know what to say or do. That sense of not being alone can help people who feel isolated by such a huge upheaval.”

Quite whether Britain is ready to adopt such a touchy-feely approach to divorce and separation is yet to be seen but Estelle insists there is historical provenance for such events. “These ceremonies pick up on the traditions of other cultures where people deal with separation in a ritualistic way,” she says.

As people contemplate a life alone, Estelle hopes that such letting go ceremonies will one day become a natural part of getting over divorce.

“Someone once said to me, ‘Aren’t these ceremonies a miserable and sad thing to do?’ For some people it is not about sticking pins in an effigy but about offering a way to move on.”

Find out more about Rhythm of Life at www.rhythm-of-life.org.uk. The next Starting Over Show takes place in London on Sunday March 7. For more information visit www.startingovershow.co.uk

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