Learning to let the children go
Rationally all parents know it’s a good thing when children fly the nest and make their own way in the world. However I can guarantee that from mid-September, as children head to university, work or take off on gap years, their parents will be surprised how empty their home feels.
Without children around to distract them many couples find they’ve grown apart, and ENS (Empty Nest Syndrome) can throw up questions such as: “Where do we go from here?” Facing these issues together can strengthen your relationship, helping you discover a new and positive life phase.
Here are eight steps to help conquer ENS.
Expect the unexpected
You can’t predict how long you’ll experience ENS. It took me three months to adjust when our youngest went to university but my husband was over it more quickly.
It may be very different for you and your partner. It’s best to keep an open mind rather than expecting ENS to take a particular course or last for a set number of weeks.
Avoid guilt trips
It’s important to find a balance between letting your child know you will be thinking of them and not making them feel guilty by saying you have full-blown ENS. Your child will find it hard enough missing you without thinking you’re downing G&Ts and weeping in bed all day at their absence.
Agree on ground rules
You and your child will find this new phase easier if you agree on simple ground rules. For instance, when it comes to keeping in touch, ask them to take the lead. We had our children text us when they wanted us to ring them back. This let them set the pace of contact and helped them save on their phone bill.
Face up to finances
How ever your child’s budget is made up – loans, grants, your generosity – it’s important to sit down before they leave to talk through budgeting. This isn’t about doing it for them but treating them as young adults.
Their budget may well have to be revised but it will take away some of your worry knowing you’ve done your best to help get them on the right financial footing.
MASTER communication
When your child gets in touch think of the conversation from their point of view. If you fire 50 questions at them they’ll feel it’s the Spanish Inquisition. Keep things relaxed and don’t baby them – avoid asking questions such as whether they’re eating well.
You’ll be dying to know every detail about their new life but remember to share news from home so it doesn’t feel one-sided. Use texts and email so they can respond at their leisure and always let them know they can call on you at a time of crisis.
Limit the visits
You’re keen to charge up the motorway and see them a week after dropping them off but they might feel you don’t trust them to settle in. Let them guide you on when you should have your first visit. Resist trying to force a visit on them earlier than they want.
Curb your concerns
Deep down you may wish for more contact or that they would come home more frequently. It’s easy to let such wishes begin to shape your dialogue with them. You start dropping little hints about, say, their pet missing them or Gran wanting to see them. Such behaviour can undermine their growing independence. Be aware of any impulses such as these.
Relish the change
It will be hard at first but you will begin to relish your new freedoms. No more worrying about school gym kits and homework. Instead, you and your partner can focus on your own wants and needs.
Sign up for that French evening class you’ve always wanted to attend or simply go out whenever you like. At the same time be aware of each other’s feelings and if long years of parenting mean a gulf has opened up between you both, be positive about wanting to close it.