It’s better to eat kebabs with friends than salad on your own, says PHIL KNOX
In 1950s America, there was a mystery in the small Pennsylvanian town of Roseto. Mortality rates were a third lower than in the rest of the United States. Heart disease was almost non-existent in otherwise high-risk groups. No one could work out why.
Water sources were analysed, lifestyles were examined. It wasn’t their diet – wine, cigars and meatballs were consumed with abandon. It wasn’t the healthcare or the air quality. It was the relationships.
Related articles
Three to four generations lived under one roof. Neighbours had deep bonds of trust with one another. People in this town were the best of friends.
It turns out the secret of eternal life is not what you know but who you know.
Friendship is astonishingly powerful. It has profoundly positive effects on our mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.
Even if you eat badly, do no exercise and neglect other areas of your physical health, but have good friends, you will live longer than someone who is socially isolated. It is better to eat kebabs with friends than salad on your own.
Conversely, loneliness is killing us. Studies have shown that if we don’t have a close friend, the levels of the stress hormone cortisol increase significantly, with fatal consequences.
Cortisol is the fight-or-flight chemical that gets us out of bed and away from danger, but a consistently high baseline means bodily resources are drawn away from core biological business, meaning we are more vulnerable to illness, heart disease, cancers and diabetes.
And loneliness is an epidemic in our nation.
The Movember Foundation found that as many as one in three men have no close friends.
The picture is not much brighter for women. Around 40 percent of 16-24 year olds say they always or often feel lonely.
The extraordinary technology in our pockets and palms make us the most connected generation in history, and yet, the pressures of life and the prevailing narrative of individualism are painting a devastatingly disconnected picture.
Could it be time for a renaissance of real friendship?
I’ve just finished writing my second book, on friendship.
It came from a place of pain.
Like many, I’ve had a horrible last few years. The death of my mum hit me hard in the midst of lockdown and I struggled with the isolation of the “new normal”. But my friends made all the difference and so I began to research the power of and pressure on friendship.
I began to ask how we could all be the best of friends. I discovered that this national picture of relational poverty was reflected in my own circles.
I devoured every book I could find on the subject, which, I uncovered, is a tragically short reading list. Almost everyone wants to be a better friend, but we need a louder conversation about what this looks like.
I believe friendship is the most important, least talked about relationship in our society.
The pressures on our relationships are real. But so is the potential for change. We are relationally wired, created for connection.
We may not be able to achieve the utopia of 1950s Pennsylvania, but we can all be more intentional and sacrificial in this area.
A friend of mine told me you fall in love, but you make friends. The art of friendship really matters, desperately needs rediscovering and is worthy of our time.
What is happening where you live? Find out by adding your postcode or visit InYourArea
The sciences, sociologists, sages and Scriptures agree: it is not good for man to be alone.
So may we pursue quality over quantity, trust over suspicion and depth over superficiality. Let’s not face the challenges of life alone. We can all raise our game in this area. May we commit to being the best of friends. It really is a matter of life and death.
- Phil Knox is the author of The Best of Friends available on Amazon.
